An Original Holiday Poem and a New Track — Merry Rapmas, Everyone!
Posted by: The Adjunct of Funk on December 29, 2010
‘Twas the night before Rapmas, and all through the crib,
Not a weapon was firing, not even a squib.
The do-rags were hung by the chimney with style,
In hopes that Saint Hovaclaus would be there in a while.
The homies were sleeping all chill in their beds,
While visions of Beyonce danced in their heads;
And mamma in her Louis V, and I in my shades,
Laid down to sleep, the lights began to fade.
When out on the deck there boomed such a track,
I lept out of the bed, because that shit was wack.
Over to the window I ran in a hurry,
Could it be robbers? I started to worry.
The moon on the snow was bright, so so bright!
‘Twas brighter than a caravan of Lexus headlights.
I asked what was there, but my eyes saw the answers,
It was a tiny low-rider, and eight backup dancers.
The driver burst out the door with the strength of a nova,
I knew right that moment it must be Saint Hova.
His dancers started posing, they flaunted their frames,
And good old Saint Hova, he shouted their names;
“Now, SALT! now, PEPA! now, EVE and ESTELLE!
On, M.I.A! LIL’ KIM! FERGIE and LAURYN HILL!
From the window to the wall, that’s where you shall trot!
Now drop it, drop it! As if it were hot!”
They waved their arms, as if they did not care,
And — I shit you not — Flew up in the air!
They landed, car and all, on top of my roof,
I needed a drink, one with quite a high proof.
And amid all the chaos, up there on the shingles,
I heard from a boombox all my favorite hit singles.
I started to dance, then before my eyes,
Down the chimney Hovaclaus came, armed with supplies.
His coat was FUBU, his shoes were Gucci,
But covered with soot, so he didn’t look snooty;
He had a big sack hung o’er his shoulder,
But what was inside? It looked like a boulder.
His eyes were cheerful, he looked really dope,
It looked like he stole all his rings from the Pope.
His mouth never stopped, he freestyled like a pro,
And the dancers cheered on for their hero below.
He threw out a gang sign, and I threw one back,
He nodded his head and he put down his sack.
His face was broad, and his belly was big,
He grabbed some Cristal, and took a big swig.
Handed me the bottle, and I took one, too,
He laughed and I knew I was part of his crew.
With his mannerisms and that liquid bravery,
I knew that this man was far from unsavory.
He said not a rhyme, but let the beat take its hold,
As he opened his sack… Records! All of them gold!
He put the gifts down and pounded my fist,
Then he jumped to the roof with a spring and a twist.
He got into his ride and yelled out to his peeps,
They flew off, and I tried to go back to sleep.
But I heard him scream out, as he took off in flight,
MERRY RAPMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!
Did you have a good Rapmas? We did. But we’ve also been hard at work, and as a little post-Rapmas gift, the Professor has got a brand new track for you:
As always, it’s free to download.
Enjoy the rest of 2010 — The next year will be bringing more of the top-quality tracks you’ve come to expect, as well as some fantastic new content here on the website!
The Adjunct of Funk